Skitch Larue vs. Dagmar Llewellyn

“The jig is up Llewellyn,” I shouted.
“No it is not,” shouted Llewellyn.
“Yes it is,” I shouted.
“Yeah right,” shouted Llewellyn.
I deftly performed a super special dodging roll move, nimbly avoiding the rocket that he shot at me and not spilling a drop of water from my bucket.
“What the heck was that for,” I shouted.
“I want you to die,” Llewellyn shouted as he pulled the trigger to send me into oblivion…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back one hour ago and all of this will make sense.

I was sitting in my damp and dimly lit office pondering on my situation. I hadn’t had a case for quite some time, and I was starting to get hungry. As I was contemplating my situation I heard a knock at my door. Actually I didn’t hear the knock, I heard my nameplate fall off my door and clatter to the ground. I didn’t have the money to get it fixed. As I got up to get the door I thought, “Who would be coming at this late hour?”
It was about 4:30. I answered the door and let in the mysterious stranger. I scrutinized my visitor. You would be surprised at what you can learn about a person just by looking at them. There was just one problem, I couldn’t tell much about the person because of the paper bag over his/her/its head.
“What do you want?” I questioned.
“I have a job for you,” a muffled voice said.
It came from the general vicinity of the paper headed guest, and since he/she/it was the only thing besides me in the room that could speak, I assumed it came from him/her/it.
“I accept your proposition.”
“Awesome,” he/she/it said as he/she/it slowly took the bag off of his/her/its head.

When I saw who it was my blood ran cold and I started to have second thoughts about the job. The stranger was a dame. Throughout my years as a private investigator I have learned three things: never follow a freakishly large perp into a dark alley, don’t do work for free, no matter how good the clients are at puppy eyes, and the most important one of all, dames are trouble. The trouble was I was in desperate need of cash. I hadn’t had anything to eat for the past day and I was starving.
“So…what did you have in mind, dame?” I inquired.
“Here’s the deal…”
She proceeded to tell me about Dagmar Llewellyn, an evil villain who was trying to take over the world, as all evil villains usually do. He had invented a hypno-beam that hypnotized cats to actually care about their owners like dogs do. This villainous act would confuse every one so much that eventually they would all go crazy, thus enabling Llewellyn to have complete control over everyone.
“That is a serious problem,” I explained to her. After all, she was a dame. “Let’s go put a stop to this dastardly plan.

We hopped into my car, or we would have if I had one, so in reality we hopped into a vehicle designated for public transportation. As the bus sped off I asked the dame, “So… where are we going.”
“Llewellyn’s secret base is north of the park.”
We were currently heading south. Leave it to a dame to choose the wrong bus. And they say that men have a problem with directions. We got off at the next bus stop and transferred to a bus that was heading in the right direction. It took about ten minutes to reach Llewellyn’s secret base. Ironically it was in a cat food factory. We paid the bus fee and ran to the front door. When we arrived at the door I had a strange feeling that something was wrong. As I scrutinized the door I realized that this door was a trap. I turned to the dame to tell her not to touch anything but it was too late, she had already rang the doorbell and set off the trap. The floor gave way and we slid down into the depths of the factory. Like I said before, dames are trouble. The slide deposited us into a large steel cage with bars three feet thick.
“You…you…dame!” I bellowed, “That door was a trap. Any non-dame could have easily figured out that that door was a trap. It didn’t have a kitty door at the bottom. Certainly a cat factory would have one of those. Now we will never be able to stop Llewellyn!”
“Yes we will, it just so happens that I am an expert lock-picker,” the dame explained as she fiddled with the lock.
After a couple minutes of this fiddling the lock finally made a loud popping sound and fell off the cage.
“Awesome! Good job dame. Let’s get outta here,” I rejoiced.
“You aren’t going anywhere bub,” the dame said as she hopped out of the cage and slammed the door shut with me still inside.
“What’s the big idea? Let me out of this cage dame,” I yelled.
“I’m sorry but that is not an option,” the dame explained in a strangely deep and manly voice. “And I’m not a dame,” the dame said as she removed her dame mask.
“It can’t be…Dagmar Llewellyn,” I gasped in surprise.
Yes, the dame was really Llewellyn in drag.
“That’s right, it is I, Dagmar Llewellyn, and you have fallen for the oldest trick in the book, the “dress up as a dame” trick. I can’t believe that you, the great Skitch Larue, fell for that pathetic disguise. You are pathetic. Anyway, I’m off to take over the world, and by the way, in case you haven’t already realized that while we have been chatting the walls of your prison have been receding, thus in about two minutes you will be squished into an ooey-gooey pulp. Toodle-oo.”

He walked away whistling a merry tune thinking that he had defeated me. Boy was he wrong. In his joy he had walked away without putting the lock back on the door. I swung the door open and stealthily followed him to the heart of his secret base where his hypno-beam was located. As I approached Llewellyn from behind to tackle him he turned around to face me. He was holding a rocket launcher and he had it aimed right for me.
“Silly Skitch, did you really think that I would be stupid enough to leave the lock off the cage door resulting in your escape? If you said yes to this question then you are absolutely correct. I didn’t want technology to kill you, I wanted to. And I do plan on destroying you, after I initiate my evil plan.”
He turned and pushed a big red button, which I assume fired up his hypno-beam. That little act of turning to push the button gave me a chance to catch him off guard. When he turned, I ran away. Hey, he had a rocket launcher what would you do in a situation like that. I followed the cord from the control panel to the power outlet. I unplugged the cord from the socket and laughed triumphantly.
“Wrong again Skitch. The hypno-beam is battery powered. I have tricked you again. Now, prepare to meet your doom.” He fired a rocket at me. I ducked just at the right time and the rocket harmlessly hit the wall behind me and knocked it down. I sprinted toward the hypno-beam as fast as I could. I ducked behind a well just as a rocket whizzed over my head.
“You can’t run forever,” shouted Llewellyn.
“What makes you say that?”
“Umm…because I will hit you eventually.”
“How do you know you will?”
“Well…I just know that’s all. You got a problem with that?”
Of course I had problem with that, I didn’t want to get blown up, but I had better things to do than chat with Llewellyn. What he hadn’t realized was that while he was yakking, I had got a bucket full of water from the well and was slowly edging my way toward the hypno-beam. When I got close enough I stood up.

“The jig is up Llewellyn,” I shouted.
“No it is not,” shouted Llewellyn.
“Yes it is,” I shouted.
“Yeah right,” shouted Llewellyn.
I deftly performed a super special dodging roll move, nimbly avoiding the rocket that he shot at me and not spilling a drop of water from my bucket.
“What the heck was that for,” I shouted.
“I want you to die,” Llewellyn shouted he pulled the trigger to send me into oblivion…this is where the story began in case you had forgotten.
I closed my eyes, realizing that I was beat, and prepared for my assured doom when I heard an ominous clicking sound. I opened my eyes and realized that heaven is like a cat food factory. I looked around and then realized that the rocket hadn’t fired and that I was still alive. I heard Llewellyn shouting profanities and determined that he had run out of ammo.
“Ha, Llewellyn, this time it is you and not me who is the fool,” I yelled triumphantly. “Prepare yourself for the destruction of your precious hypno-beam.” I tossed the water onto the hypno-beam and there was an explosion of sparks as the electricity pulsing through the device reacted with the water.
“NOOOO! My lifelong work, ruined…RUINED!” Llewellyn wailed.

After watching Llewellyn cry like a dame for ten minutes I called the feds and they came and hauled Llewellyn off to jail. As he was being taken away he looked at me and sneered, “I will get you for this, Skitch Larue: Private Investigator, just you wait and see.”
As I watched him being dragged off I smirked and muttered to myself, “What a demented guy, I mean, who would want to dress up like a dame?”